[Papyrus starts shaking his head before Sans even finishes talking, dismissing the dismissal. He's not sure he could not-worry about it, right this moment, and he doesn't want to try yet. Not just yet. It feels like... he owes Sans this? Even if Sans doesn't want to think about it. Maybe especially because of that.]
No, I know that. I just...! [He tentatively shifts his arm out from under Sans's, reaches behind to bring his brother in for a half-hug. Tentatively, because he is still unnerved about it, after all these emotions - but mostly because his mechanical body's so much sturdier than bones ever were, and Sans is already so fragile, and Papyrus never, ever wants to feel what it's like being on the other side of this grief firsthand. Especially not... literally.] It keeps... happening. And you, you keep going away. Hiding, from how it hurts... I don't want you being alone here. Or anywhere.
Edited (small text for sharing illegal sad feelings) 2021-12-23 09:40 (UTC)
[Sans freezes for a moment, surprised, before he returns the hug. There isn't a quick, breezy way to dodge this; he can hardly claim not to have been alone. Can't say it wasn't a big deal when it obviously was. Papyrus has acted strange here in several different ways. They both have. But when Sans thinks about being alone, really being alone, he goes back to his brother's dust blowing away in the wind of Snowdin. His grip tightens.] You're here now. [Which is a miracle, probably. You don't just come back to life, not if you're a monster, not after who knows how long.]
[It's not the responses he wants to hear, and Papyrus grumbles a particularly static sound of frustration, but he still nods into Sans's shoulder.] ...I'm here now. [His voice is soft and heavy with resignation and determination. He'll do his best to keep being here. Staying alive, copying the important things, making a whole complicated reminder of who he is and why and how, to keep being himself. Partly because being Papyrus is pretty great, even when he's weeping from feeling too much, and the world deserves to experience more of what he has to offer... And partly because, he can't be sure Sans won't fall to pieces and disappear from the world, if he's not. And maybe this is a feeling he should ask Sans to sense, this feeling of wanting his brother to live for himself, instead of... what he keeps doing, when Papyrus isn't quite there.]
Edited (narration missing an important sentence) 2021-12-23 10:31 (UTC)
[Sans hears the frustration and resignation and thinks, not for the first time, that he relies on Papyrus too much. That he's selfish. But there's part of him that's furious at the world over those thoughts--that he has to think them at all. It's the world and the things in it that keep taking his brother away. Papyrus shouldn't have died. Papyrus shouldn't keep getting his memories stolen and his personality changed. The universe itself is perfectly neutral, but there are things in it that have intent ranging from malicious to incomprehensible and even though there isn't a point to having all these feelings about it, Sans is angry anyway.] Sorry. [His voice is muffled, because he hasn't let go of Papyrus, is hanging on tight in a way he hasn't let himself before out of fear of saying things he tries to hide. All he can manage is an apology for a lot of things he doesn't talk about.]
that week delayed tag where you reread the whole thread and you're still not sure it's right, but
[It's just as well, because Papyrus isn't in a hurry to release the hug either. This time the sound he makes is somewhat less of frustration, and more of a sigh. Days like this... he can really understand wanting breaks from constantly striving for self-improvement. Just holding steady feels exhausting. When he speaks up, his voice is shaky - from all these feelings, from trying to sound steadier than he feels, and a little bit from forcing some levity into his voice.]
You... should be? [Despite the wording, it's not said harshly - if anything, his voice is growing shakier with trying not to laugh.] You're interrupting my saying sorry, to say sorry to me? Don't... don't start apologizing for me apologizing! Just saying sorry back and forth... We could get stuck forever! [It's silly enough he coughs a laugh before he realizes it, because feeling so intensely does mean feelings like amusement, too.]
this is what happens when they try to talk about feelings
[Papyrus laughing makes Sans laugh, though it's an unsteady thing leaning toward strung-out agitation at first before the sound settles into a more typical tone as he leaps for something less serious and full of dangerous thoughts.] Well what should I do now? If I don't say sorry for getting us stuck you're say I'm bein' rude.
Edited 2021-12-29 07:38 (UTC)
skeleton conundrum, they don't talk feelings when they're having them OR when they're not
I... I don't know. [There's too much, and he sniffles before reaching a gloved hand up to wipe his cheekbones again.] Maybe I forgot that too. I get a break from knowing everything today! [Sans's apology can be in the form of a semi-graceful escape from apology town. Tomorrow, of course, will be business as usual, where Papyrus knows best. And is hopefully calmed down a little by then. This heightened state had better not be permanent, or they'll both be upset forever.
[Sans loosens his grip on Papyrus. His own emotions, not nearly as loud as Papyrus's especially today (but maybe not yesterday), are calming down the more it seems like they can just stop talking about this without Sans stepping into any landmines over it. When he finally lets go, he nudges Papyrus's shoulder with his own as he puts space between them again.] Wanna watch TV instead? [There probably isn't a pollination documentary on this morning, but there must be something.]
TV... That's always your suggestion. [Truly the get-out-of-conversation-free card.] But... maybe today's a day for classics. [He can pretend he's crying or laughing or so on at whatever's happening on the screen, instead of admitting to any more heartfelt griefs. It's too bad they can't watch some classic movies or shows from back underground, not without a lot more scouring of his memories and careful video compilation... But even while he gets a fresh wave of grief and nostalgia emerging as tears on his crumpled face, he manages to nod to confirm his agreement.]
[Sans grabs the remote with one of his invisible hands, so the remote looks a little like it's floating. He flicks through channels, skipping anything that looks remotely like a talk show, before landing on some morning cooking show.] Hey, what about this? [His attempt to pander to Papyrus's tastes is not even a little subtle.]
[Sans drops the remote onto the couch in between them and settles into his usual spot, like things are normal and didn't get weirdly emotional for both of them and Sans didn't have to reveal his emotion manipulation powers and everyone is fine. He's gotten pretty good at curling his wings up as a makeshift blanket. That's important.]
You can pick the movie. I kind of want a post-breakfast nap. [Now that the initial surge of energy from the first sunlight of the day has passed, he's reminded that he didn't get a lot of sleep. He could do that now, probably.]
[Papyrus watches the increasingly speedy process of bundling up within wings with a watery smile.] Going right to sleep at the first opportunity, huh...? [He sighs yet again, but it's mostly a laugh. It just goes to show that Sans was surely right about why he got wings. Not for any mystical prophecy reasons, despite that light show in his ribcage - it's so he always has a blanket with him for prime napping opportunities. Besides, it's helpful if he wants to try an incognito nap on the side. He reaches for the remote, then pauses.] Are you closing your eyes immediately...? No vetoing what I select? [If so, there's no need for him to open the schedule on the TV itself, not if Sans isn't watching the process - Papyrus can just check through his phone.]
[Sans gives Papyrus a considering look, though it's not anywhere near as tense as the various looks he's been giving Papyrus over the last couple days and during this latest conversation. No, this is the considering look all siblings have when they consider the merits of allowing something like a "no veto" rule. It's the look every older sibling, no matter how lazy and irresponsible, knows how to make when their younger sibling is requesting something that would give them such nearly unfathomable television power. But it's Papyrus, so Sans's eyes all close after a moment as he wedges more snugly into his corner of the couch.] Yeah, go for it.
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spaghettimonster) wrote2021-07-31 02:32 am
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No, I know that. I just...! [He tentatively shifts his arm out from under Sans's, reaches behind to bring his brother in for a half-hug. Tentatively, because he is still unnerved about it, after all these emotions - but mostly because his mechanical body's so much sturdier than bones ever were, and Sans is already so fragile, and Papyrus never, ever wants to feel what it's like being on the other side of this grief firsthand. Especially not... literally.] It keeps... happening. And you, you keep going away. Hiding, from how it hurts... I don't want you being alone here. Or anywhere.
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that week delayed tag where you reread the whole thread and you're still not sure it's right, but
You... should be? [Despite the wording, it's not said harshly - if anything, his voice is growing shakier with trying not to laugh.] You're interrupting my saying sorry, to say sorry to me? Don't... don't start apologizing for me apologizing! Just saying sorry back and forth... We could get stuck forever! [It's silly enough he coughs a laugh before he realizes it, because feeling so intensely does mean feelings like amusement, too.]
this is what happens when they try to talk about feelings
skeleton conundrum, they don't talk feelings when they're having them OR when they're not
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You can pick the movie. I kind of want a post-breakfast nap. [Now that the initial surge of energy from the first sunlight of the day has passed, he's reminded that he didn't get a lot of sleep. He could do that now, probably.]
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